I forgot what it’s like to wake up to the morning sun and feel that the world is a beautiful place. To feel the passion coursing through my veins and to have dreams so big that the world felt it. I can’t remember the last time I felt like it was worth getting out of bed and feeling excited about something. There’s just nothing, like a body without heart, a soul without spirit. When I think about it, I cry because I feel sorry for myself. Living life without a dream, without passion, that’s something I could never live with but it’s happening to me.
I picture getting hit by a bus or just not waking up the next day. It sounds morbid but there’s a peace I could find in all that morbidness. Death’s gift to me. These responsibilities rest on my shoulders and I feel the weight of the world upon me. I feel like my feet are digging into the ground and I can hardly lift my foot to take another step forward. I just want to leave everything behind, take a break and leave the world behind. No calls, no emails, no responsibilities, just me living life and taking in every moment that’s given to me. I’m just a step away from the end of the line and I can feel the fire beneath my feet.
I’m burnt out, really. Broken and damaged. Everyday I pray and I give it my all. I know this is not for me, I get the feeling that I’m not meant to be in this line. The only thing I don’t understand is why I’m not getting another job. What am I suppose to take away from this? What am I suppose to learn? I know there’s something but I just can’t see it and I don’t understand.
It’s killing me and even my personal life is affected. My friends all ask me why I always look so tired and I feel like I’m ageing so much here. I don’t even want to head out after work or even meet people because I’m so tired. All I want to do is head home, take a shower and lay in bed. Occasionally, I just want time alone. I don’t even have the time to exercise and eat right. Some people may call it an excuse but I’m so dead tired that I can’t drag myself out the door and go for a jog.
Preparing for the worst tomorrow but I think I’m numbed. Just so tired of this crap and I really just want to get out of this place. I see the people around me having the time of their lives, enjoying every part of being in their mid twenties while I struggle to stay afloat. Why does it have to be that way? No life in my life, no love in my life. I’m drained. Someone told me that I’m not yet broken, just bent but I guess I’m pretty close to it. I feel the cracks and I feel it widening. There’s just no where else to go, just a broken bridge ahead. Where do I go to seek solace?
To sum it up in simple words, it was a love-filled weekend. The very presence of love in its purest form; through thick and thin, in good times and in bad till death do us part. We often question love, I often question love. Does it exist? Does love really lasts forever? Can two people remain in love for the rest of their lives? I got my answer over the weekend. It’s not about whether love can last forever, it’s how we make love lasts forever. Love is hard work, it’s never just a summer’s afternoon, two people must want to make love work. Perhaps I always knew that somewhere inside but I just never met the one person who would make me want to work hard at it. Not too sure what his plan is for me, I pondered over it after the wedding and I just couldn’t get to sleep. I took a walk around the airport, bought magazines and went to get myself a hot cup of tea. My mind was just so active, so all over the place, thinking about my future and what to do next. Going through each and every scene of the wedding. I don’t know if I’ll ever make it down the aisle, I don’t know if I’ll ever find somebody to lock arms with and to have my first dance with. No matter what the case is, I now know that love exist and I’ve witnessed the power of love.
People came as strangers and left as family, tears turned into laughter as the night went by. It was evident no one wanted the night to end, I wished time stood still because there was worry, no sadness, just peace among family and love between spirits. I was so busy, I didn’t even have time to sit down and eat. My plates were piling and I had to run all over the place. For some reason, I love being that busy and I love that mad rush. Maybe it was good that I was busy because it prevented me from thinking too much because I’d probably be really sad and all that. Wouldn’t want that to happen. I was truly happy to be there to witness first hand the miracle of love.
She looked absolutely amazing. She was glowing, she was happy, she was all she could be.
I’m glad to say that I was part of all that and I had a role to play in making the great day happen:)
I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.