September

September has arrived. I forgot how much I used to fear September and was reminded by a friend. He’s going through shit and he said “remember how you used to say September was a horrible month”. I don’t fear it anymore because well, the other months weren’t so kind to me either. It’s been a tough year, a really tough year. I don’t know how else to put it. I dreamt of rainbows and butterflies but thunderstorms plagued my world. 

Everyone has been telling me I need to live but I think I just forgot how to. I don’t know what I like anymore. I think I’m afraid of being happy because when you’re happy, there’s more room to fall. It’s hard and rough at the bottom. I’ve been there and the bottoms are getting lower and lower. Just dreaming of a day away from everything, just sipping coffee by the beach and listening to the therapeutic sound of waves crashing against the shore. 

Will that day ever come when there would be nothing on my mind, no worries, no troubles. “Where troubles melt like lemon drops, high above the chimney tops is where you’ll find me…”

My arch nemesis, uncertainty and doubt, have made their residency known. Today, flashbacks of the past kept coming back to me and then I looked to the future and it just seems like I’m living in a stagnant realm of nothingness. I really don’t know how else to describe it. I miss the past, the freedom and the life. It’s like I lost myself in the transition and now I’m not sure what or who I am anymore. I’m sad, I’m depressed because I need a dream, I need passion. I can’t live like this, I just can’t. Suddenly, this overwhelming sense of nostalgia is pushing me on to do something with this damn life of mine. I think I’ve been dormant for far too long.

There’s just too many collected emotions. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m sad, I’m happy, I’m depressed… I feel like I’m searching for something, something great, something intense, something passionate. I dyed my hair yesterday, something I did in the past, perhaps I’m on the path to finding myself again. There’s this static electricity passing through my veins, it’s a tingling feeling and it’s making me restless.